Audio Story for You

Tick Tock Turkey and the Mysterious Egg

Download the Audio

By Michael Brett. Continuing the adventures of the scruffy time-traveling turkey (see The Disappearing Sandwich).

We return to Egg Island to answer the age-old question: which came first, the turkey or the egg? Future Dog and Jen Penguin solve the case of the mysterious egg, while Tick Tock Turkey goes in search of sea worms for his Lunchfast.

Read by Natasha. Duration 25 mintues

On a sunny but rather cool morning on Egg Island, Tick Tock Turkey was thinking about food, as usual. He flapped up and down the beach, squawking and muttering and looking crossly at the sundial, where the long thin shadow of a stone egg pointed out the time. Not far away, in the pleasant shade of a gently curving palm-tree, Future Dog quietly got on with her morning yoga, carefully balancing on her hind legs and tail, breathing deeply.

‘I can’t believe it’s only an hour since breakfast,’ said Tick Tock Turkey. ‘I’m so hungry, I know that can’t be the real time. My tummy says it’s definitely lunchtime, so that stupid sundial must be broken.’

Future Dog, who was very familiar with Tick Tock Turkey’s impatience, laughed.

‘Are you laughing at me?’ squawked Tick Tock Turkey. ‘The cheek. I’m about to starve to death because of a broken sundial and you think it’s funny.’

‘I’m not laughing because you’re hungry…’ Future Dog peered over her sunglasses. ‘Starving is never a laughing matter. Not when it’s real, anyway. I laughed because the sundial can’t be broken.’

Tick Tock Turkey flapped his feathers. ‘What do you mean? That sundial is slow! It’s not working! It’s wound down! Someone needs to wind it up! In fact, I don’t remember anyone winding it up ever. Or changing the battery, or anything.’

Future Dog eased into her next yoga position. She balanced on her head with her legs stretched out wide, her tail wagging elegantly from side to side. ‘Tick Tock Turkey,’ she said, calmly, ‘do you know how a sundial works?’

Tick Tock Turkey gobbled, a little offended. ‘Do I know how a sundial works? Do I? Well everyone knows how a sundial works don’t they? The big dark hand points to the time. It goes round, and you know what time it is. And that is how a sundial works.’

Future Dog carefully lowered herself from her headstand, stood up, let out a deep breath and said, ‘Tick Tock Turkey – the sun is bright and makes the shadow, the sun moves through the sky as the world turns around, and the shadow pteoints to different places as the day goes on. It doesn’t need to be wound up, it doesn’t need a battery, and it works as long as the sun keeps on rising and setting and moving across the sky. And that’s it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have yoga to do!’

With that, Future Dog rolled up her yoga mat and walked away up the beach.

‘Alright, keep your fur on,’ said Tick Tock Turkey. ‘I know about the sun. Everybody knows about the sun. And if this sundial is so brilliant then how come it stops working in cloudy weather? It’s a cheap one if you ask me. If Egg Island ever floats past a clock shop, we should get a new one.’

Future Dog paused for a moment, as if she was about to say something, but then carried on walking. She found a shady spot beneath a big turkey statue, unrolled her yoga mat in the sand, and carried on with her exercises.

‘Alright,’ said Tick Tock Turkey to himself, ‘so it’s not lunchtime yet. And it’s only an hour after breakfast, so it’s too early for brunch. No bother – I’ll have lunchfast. It’s never too early for lunchfast.’

Tick Tock Turkey scratched his tummy feathers with his wing and licked his beak with his tongue. ‘What do I fancy to eat? Hmm. Worms. Well, I had worms for breakfast. So that wouldn’t do. It’s not on to have the same meal twice. But I love worms so much. Hang on – those were earthworms that I ate earlier. There’s nothing to stop me having a different kind of worms for lunchfast. How about seaworms? Yes. I haven’t had seaworms for ages. That’ll do nicely!’

Tick Tock Turkey scrambled up the beach to his small nest by the edge of the jungle, pulled on his swimming trunks, and ran back down to the shore, gobbling and squawking excitedly at the thought of all those delicious, salty seaworms.

He was just about to dive into the frothy waves when he remembered something. ‘Oh yes,’ he said, ‘I mustn’t going swimming with the time watch on.’ He unbuckled the strap of his time-travelling watch and placed it carefully on a stone in the sand. ‘Future Dog says it’s not waterproof. She’d go mad if it got broken. Broken like that stupid sundial!’

Tick Tock Turkey chuckled, but not too loud – he didn’t want to spoil grumpy Future Dog’s yoga. ‘I should be careful anyway,’ he said, ‘after all, it is the only time watch in the world.’

Then Tick Tock Turkey took a deep breath and dived in.

He gave an enormous squawk, and jumped straight back out onto the beach. He stood there, his eyes popping out of his head, shivering, clicking his beak, with his feathers dripping cold seawater onto the hot sand.

‘W-what t-the egg?’ he gobbled. ‘It’s f-f-f-f-freezing!’

Future Dog heard Tick Tock Turkey’s cries right across the beach, and she casually strolled down to see what he was up to.

‘F-f-f-Future D-Dog,’ said Tick Tock Turkey, his beak looking a little bluer than usual, ‘t-the w-water’s so c-cold. I’ve n-never kn-nown it s-so c-c-cold!’

‘Hmm,’ said Future Dog. ‘I think Egg Island might be drifting southwards. Now we were already quite far south, if I remember correctly, so that would bring us into much colder water. That must be it.’

Future Dog looked out to sea and squinted through her sunglasses. ‘It also explains all those penguins swimming out there.’ She pointed to a few cheerful penguins splashing and diving not far from the beach. One of them was sitting on a little block of ice that floated in the water.

‘Penguins?’ said Tick Tock Turkey with a frown, ‘I didn’t spot them before.’

One of the penguins bobbed to the surface and waved. ‘Hey there!’ she called. ‘Welcome to the south! You two should come and try some of these seaworms, they’re delicious!’

Tick Tock Turkey was furious. ‘That is so not fair,’ he huffed. ‘Stupid penguins with their stupid warm coats that let them swim in freezing water. I hope the seaworms make them sick.’

‘That’s not nice,’ said Future Dog. ‘You know, Tick Tock Turkey, I went for a swim this morning before I started my yoga, and the water was lovely and warm then. We must have been much closer to the equator. It isn’t the penguins’ fault you missed out. And you know what they say – the early bird catches the seaworm!’ She smiled.

‘Very funny,’ said Tick Tock Turkey. ‘But I’m not having it! I’m not letting them have all the food. I’m not going to swim in cold water either. What to do?’ He scratched his head.

‘There’s nothing for it,’ he raised one wing high in the air, ‘I’m going to use the time watch!’

‘Here we go again,’ said Future Dog.

‘That’s right!’ said Tick Tock Turkey. ‘I’m going to go back in time, to when the water was still warm, and I’m going to gobble up all the salty seaworms I can find before those pesky penguins turn up.’

Future Dog sighed. ‘Very well. I suppose a turkey’s got to do what a turkey’s got to do. Just be careful. I’m going to play tennis with Blobert, so I won’t be around to help if you get into trouble.’

Tick Tock Turkey squawked. ‘Trouble? It’ll be easypeasy. And you’re playing tennis with Blobert? He’s just a blob. He can’t play tennis.’

‘I’m giving him lessons,’ said Future Dog. ‘Anyway, just use the time watch carefully – don’t get it wet. We’ll see you later for lunch.’

‘Don’t hold your breath,’ said Tick Tock Turkey, fastening the watch on his wing, ‘I plan to have so much lunchfast I won’t be needing lunch. Not tea either, or dinner, or pudding or supper, or even bedtime bickies. I’m going to stuff myself enough for the whole day.’

As Future Dog wandered off to find Blobert for their tennis lesson, she heard behind her a very loud WHOOSH. There went Tick Tock Turkey, zooming into the past in search of a feast. And Future Dog had seen it all before.

Later that day, after the tennis lesson, after lunch, when Blobert had blobbed off somewhere else to do whatever it is that blobs do, Tick Tock Turkey was nowhere to be seen, or heard.

Future Dog was worried. It seemed that Tick Tock Turkey had gone into the past, and not come back.

‘Oh dear,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t have left him on his own.’ She felt sorry that she’d laughed at him. But then he was a very silly bird. And now he could be stuck in the past, perhaps forever!

Future Dog hurried down to the seashore where she had last seen Tick Tock Turkey. There was no sign of him. She shuddered. Poor Tick Tock Turkey could be anywhere, and anytime! If he was too clumsy with the time watch, he could have gone back much too far. He could be in a prehistoric world being frightened by dinosaurs! Or, in his excitement, he could have wound the watch the wrong way altogether and ended up far in the future! Future Dog knew all about the future, but poor Tick Tock Turkey wouldn’t have a clue!

The penguins were still splashing around in the cold sea, gobbling their seaworms, and performing trick dives off their miniature iceberg.

‘Help!’ called Future Dog. ‘Did any of you see my friend earlier – the turkey?’

One of the penguins swam in to the beach and waddled up the sand.

‘Hello, I’m Jen,’ she said. ‘The turkey did you say? You mean that scruffy-looking bird? Oh sure, he fiddled around with a watch and then he vanished, whoosh, into thin air. Just like that. We all thought it was the weirdest thing.’

‘And he didn’t come back?’ asked Future Dog.

‘Nuh uh,’ said Jen Penguin, flapping her flippery wings. ‘He never did.’

‘Oh no,’ said Future Dog.

‘But we found this,’ said Jen. She stood aside to show a large white egg nestled in the sand. ‘It’s an egg. We’ve been playing wingball with it in the water. It’s not a penguin egg. It’s the wrong shape. I think it’s an octopus egg. Len Penguin over there thinks it’s a snake egg, and Sven Penguin thinks it’s a dog egg. What do you think?’

Future Dog looked at the egg. It was quite fresh. ‘It’s certainly not a dog egg, thank you very much. We don’t lay eggs. But where could it have come from?’

‘Beats me,’ said Jen. ‘It wasn’t there, and then it was there. Weird.’

‘That is strange,’ said Future Dog.

‘Uh huh,’ said Jen. ‘Just like the turkey was there, and then he wasn’t there. Weird.’

‘Hmm,’ said Future Dog, thinking very hard.

‘It’s just like that old question,’ said Jen. ‘You know – what came first, the bird or the egg?’

‘Yes,’ said Future Dog, ‘it’s just like that. And in this case, the bird definitely came before the egg.’

‘Well,’ said Jen, ‘I don’t suppose you’d know about this, being a dog, but for us penguins, eggs and birds and eggs and birds tend to come one after another after another.’

‘I suppose that makes sense,’ said Future Dog, ‘but I can’t worry about that egg now. I need to find a way to get Tick Tock Turkey back!’

‘I couldn’t tell you how it all started, continued Jen, quite ignoring Future Dog’s concern. ‘I mean the very first bird or the very first egg. But from what my mum says, I know I began as an egg. You know, when I was little.’

’Eggs!’ said Future Dog, ‘That’s it!’ She slapped her forehead with her paw. ‘I think I know what happened!’

Jen Penguin flapped her flippers. ‘Go on, tell!’

‘Turkeys start as eggs – just like penguins,’ said Future Dog. ‘I thought my friend Tick Tock Turkey had gone back in time to this morning to eat seaworms, and never came back. And then this egg had appeared from nowhere. My conclusion is that Tick Tock Turkey never left!’

‘Nonsense,’ said the penguin. ‘You’re talking rubbish. This is why we penguins stay on the ice. Too much hot sun has driven you bonkers and you’ve gone dotty.’

‘Just bear with me,’ said Future Dog, ‘this sort of thing happens all the time round here. As I was saying, Tick Tock Turkey never left. He must have turned himself back into an egg.’

She pointed at the mysterious egg. ‘That is Tick Tock Turkey – before he was a chick. He hasn’t even hatched!’

Jen Penguin squinted at the egg, unconvinced. ‘Sounds daft to me,’ she said. ‘But just say it is true, then your turkey is going to have to grow up into a full grown bird all over again. What a drag!’

‘Tick Tock Turkey is trouble enough,’ said Future Dog. I can’t even imagine what bother a little Chick Tock Turkey could cause! Oh no. Poor Tick Tock Turkey is back in his egg and it’s all my fault. I never should have given him that watch in the first place!’

While they had been talking, the sun had been shining brightly on the egg in the sand. It had been getting warmer and warmer.

Then there was a quiet tap. Then again. Tap tap. And again. Tap tap tap. The tap tapping, so gentle at first, became louder and louder. Future Dog and Jen Penguin leaned in closely. They saw a small crack appearing in the shell. The crack got longer, and split into two cracks, and then three, until finally the shell chipped open and a tiny yellow beak poked through the hole.

The beak tapped at the edges of the hole and at last the shell cracked open. A very fluffy little turkey chick popped out onto the sand, chirping with a tiny voice.

‘It’s a boy!’ laughed Jen.

Future Dog looked down at Chick Tock Turkey and shook her head. ‘Dear me,’ she said.

Chick Tock Turkey waddled happily along the sand and pecked at Future Dog’s leg.

‘I think he likes you!’ said Jen.

‘But he’s just a baby,’ said Future Dog. ‘What a disaster.’

‘What’s that?’ Jen pointed her flipper to something lying in the broken eggshell.

Future Dog could just make out a red strap, and the dial of a watch. She barked in relief, ‘Thank goodness! It’s the time watch. We’ll have this fixed in no time!’

Future Dog took the time watch, fiddled with the button, and quickly strapped it onto Chick Tock Turkey’s little wing.

‘He must have put it on the wrong wing after his swim. That makes it work the other way – instead of travelling back in time, he made himself go backwards. Now keep clear – this is going to be noisy!’

Suddenly a cloud of sparks and light fizzed around the chick. There was a gust of wings and feathers and then a very loud SHOOWH!

And there stood Tick Tock Turkey, utterly befuddled.

‘What?!’ he squawked. ‘What happened? Where did I go? I dreamed I was inside a little warm room. Then it started bouncing around. Then there was a little crack of light. Then I was in an enormous sunny desert. And you, Future Dog, you were twenty feet tall. And there was a giant penguin! And other giant penguins swimming! And an enormous iceberg fifty feet high! What time is it? Where’s my lunchfast? My head! I’m so confused…’

‘I’ll explain it later,’ said Future Dog. I think you’re going to need a few more lessons on how to use the time watch.’

‘I was in such a hurry to get my seaworms,’ said Tick Tock Turkey, ‘I think I might have put it on the wrong wing.’

‘Well, it’s good to have you back,’ said Future Dog.

‘Even though you never left!’ said Jen Penguin.

‘Who are you?’ squawked Tick Tock Turkey.

‘I’m Jen Penguin. Now, if you’re such a big fan of seaworms that you’d turn yourself into an egg and back, then Len, Sven and I will catch you all the lunchfast you can eat! And you won’t have to go into the cold water.’

‘That’ll do nicely,’ said Tick Tock Turkey, and he sat back in the sand. ‘Serve it up!’

Read by Natasha Gostwick Duration 25 minutes.

Jack and the Pirate School Part 3

Download the mp3 audio of Jack and the Pirate School 3 (right click, save as)

Jack is being held prisoner by Captain Blackheart and he can’t even tell his parents where he is. In this episode, Jack is introduced to Pirate Cuisine on the High Seas, and things go from bad to worse.

The series is collected here.

Duration 10. 14 – read by Natasha.

Just in case, you can’t quite remember what happened so far, Jack was a boy of seven who went off to sailing school one summer. But there was a bit of a mix-up…and Jack found himself at pirate school instead.

He’d been dressed in old rags by the cabin boy Ben.

But when he asked to tell his mum and dad where he was…it turned out he’d been taken prisoner.

“We don’t tell parents that anyone is at pirate school,” said Captain Blackheart, in a voice so menacing it sent a shiver down Jack’s spine.

And then he roared with laughter.

And all the pirates laughed with him.

Even Ben was laughing.

“Because you’re a prisoner!” roared Captain Blackheart.

“A prisoner,” said Jack. “Oh….”

“Your not scared are you, Jack,” said Captain Blackheart.

“Me, scared,” said Jack, just a little nervously. “Naaaahhhhh….”

“Well, that’s good then, me hearty….because there’s no room for scaredy-cats on this pirate ship.

And saying that, Captain Blackheart waved his rusty hook through the air.

“All the men on his ship have left their families behind many years ago, and they all joined us as boys,” the Captain continued.

He pointed to the rogues and ruffians lined up on the deck.

“How many years since you saw your family, Black Spot?”

An ugly looking ruffian with a giant black spot on his face stepped forward. “I reckon it be twenty years, captain.”

“And how about you, One Leg?”

A vicious looking rascal with a stump where his leg should be stepped forward. “At least fifty years, captain,” he said.

“And you, Razor, what about you?”

And a Pirate with the biggest nose that Jack had ever seen stepped forwards. “At least a hundred years, captain.”

“So you see lad, when you sign up with Captain’s Blackheart’s Pirate Ship you leave your family behind. Forever….”

“But we’d all rather sail the seven seas with Captain Blackheart,” cried the pirates with one voice.

“And so would I,” said Jack.

Except really he wasn’t so sure. Because a hundred years at sea seemed an awfully long time.

Still, never mind he thought.

It looks like great fun.

More fun than playing with his silly and soppy six sisters back at home anyway.

“So how do I start being a pirate, sir?” asked Jack.

Captain Blackheart scratched his chin with his rusty metal hook and thought for a moment.

“You could start with the climbing of the rigging,” he said.”Or we could put you on crow’s nest duty. Or maybe even a small lesson in how to set up a plank so that any dastardly villains we come across can be made to walk it.”

“Cripes, that sounds like fun.”

“Indeed it does, my lad,” said Captain Blackheart. “Then again, we could teach you how to fire a broadside, or practice sharpening your cutlass.”

“Or raising the Jolly Rodger,” said Jack.

“Aye, that and all, lad,” said the Captain. “But first you’ll help Ben here make some lunch.”

And so Jack followed Ben down into the galley of the ship.

It had been a long, long morning so far, and Jack was feeling a bit peckish.

I wonder what pirates have for lunch, though Jack.

At school, they usually had chicken and chips, or spag bol, or else fish fingers and beans. And there was often ice cream and apple crumble for pudding. And Jack usually polished it all off — and his sisters’ lunch as well, if there was any left.

I bet pirate grub is fantastic, he decided.

“Okay,” said Ben. “You get the jellied sheep’s eyes, and I’ll slice up the snake.”

Jack felt a bit queasy all of a sudden. And a lot less hungry.

“You do like sheep’s eyes, don’t you,” said Ben. “And snake?”

“Well, er…”

“Or if you prefer, we can moved straight onto the stewed worms? Or the bug burger?”

“Right, er…”

Jack felt his skin go a little green.

“I hope your not one of those sissy land lubbers who just likes bacon, and sausages, and fish fingers, and all that type of grub,” said Ben. “Because here on the pirate ship we eat sheep’s eyes and worms and bugs ….and everything.”

“Right,” said Jack. “Sounds great.”

And so they started on lunch. They tossed the sliced worms, the chopped bug burgers, the sheep’s eyes and the snake into a big pot, and they stirred and stirred until a big stew was ready.

And then carried it up onto the deck.

Captain Blackheart’s ship was a long way out to sea now, and Jack couldn’t see any land at all.

Which ever way you looked, there was just sea, sea and more sea.

And a fierce wind was starting to blow.

Making the ship rock form side to side.

And there were big waves starting to splash across everyone.

Ben put the bowl of stew down on the centre of the deck.

And all the pirates lined up with their tin plates. Ben scooped out a big spoonful of stew into each one, and they gobbled it all up.

“Here’s yours,” said Ben, putting a big pile of stew on Jack’s plate.

It smelled horrible.

Like a pile of old socks, and football jerseys.

And as the wind blew, the ship rocked from side to side.

And Jack began to feel a bit sick.

“Don’t waste it, lad,” said Captain Blackheart.

Jack took one small bite.

And it was the most horrible thing he’d ever tasted – even worse than granny’s beef stew, and that was so bad all his sisters had had to lie down after eating it.

“I said don’t waste it, lad,” said Captain Blackheart, waving his hook at Jack.

Jack tried another bite – but spat it out.

“Is it the sheep’s eyes or the sliced worm you don’t like, lad,” said Captain Blackheart.

“I put in some shark tongue,” said Ben. “Maybe he doesn’t like that…”

And at that moment, Jack felt so queasy, he ran to the side of the ship, and was a violently sick.

When he walked back, the Captain was looking very serious indeed.

“I don’t think this lad’s up for a life on the ocean,” he said. “I reckon we’ll put him up for ransom.”

“For ransom…” cried Jack.

“Aye, lad,” said Captain Blackheart. “I reckon your parents will pay a pretty penny to get you back. Better that than see you walk the plank…”

Duration 10.14 Read by Natasha

Jack and The Pirate School Part 2

Download the audio of Jack and the Pirate School 2 (right click, save as)

In the In first part of our exciting pirate serial, Jack was meant to go to sailing school, but there was a mix-up at the station and Jack ended up at Captain Blackheart’s Pirate School on board a Pirate Ship.

Although Jack is quite a small boy, he likes to be brave, but Captain Blackheart is so very scary that it’s difficult for him not to be just a little bit afraid.

So hang on to the rigging for the second part of Jack’s adventures.

Read by Natasha. Duration 8.39.

He was lying on the deck, and Captain Blackheart was leaning right over him. “Welcome to The Pirate School, young man,” he boomed. “I hope you like excitement young man, because from now on, you’re going to have plenty of it!”

“Excitement is just what I love most ,” said Jack, and then he felt a tiny bit frightened. “But I think I was meant to be at sailing school, not pirate school.”

“Sailing school?” roared Captain Blackheart.

And then roared with laughter.

“Did you hear that my hearties…”

He looked around the deck. And Jack looked around as well, and all across the deck, he could see about twenty pirates. And they were the worst, most desperate looking ruffians he had ever seen. They wore striped vests, and old shoes, and they had dirt all over their faces and hands.

And as soon as Captain Blackheart laughed, they all laughed as well.

“Sailing school, you say,” said Captain Blackheart. “Well we’ll teach you all you need to know right here, won’t we lads.”

And all the pirates laughed even louder.

“Our men can unfurl the rigging with one hand, cut a man down with their cutlass with the other, and fire a broadside of cannon right into the black, cruel hearts of the enemy with their big toe. Isn’t that better than any sailing school…”

“Yes, er, I suppose so,” said Jack.

“Because sailing school is for girls…”

“I wouldn’t want that,” said Jack. “I’d much rather learn how to be a pirate.”

“Then let’s begin, m’lad,” said Captain Blackheart. “And we’ll make a pirate of you before the day is done, that we will.”

And then he picked Jack up with both hands, and hurled him across the open deck of the ship. “Get your self kitted out…”

Jack went hurtling across the deck, then fell down the stairs, and went tumbling, tumbling, tumbling, until he was lying flat out on the deck of the downstairs deck.

“Ouch,” said Jack. “That hurts.”

A boy was standing right next to him. He looked about nine to Jack, and he was dressed in old rags, and his face was covered in dirt.

“Hurt, did it,” said the boy.

“It did a bit,” said Jack, climbing to his feet.

Just then, the boy clipped him around the head, and Jack fell over again.

“Ouch,” said Jack.

“I hope you’re not a sissy,” said the boy, reaching down to help Jack up. “Because we’ve no room for sissies, not on Captain Blackheart’s ship.”

“No, no,” said Jack. “I’m as tough..as tough as…well, the toughest thing you can think of.”

“That’s alright then.” The boy put out a hand. “My name’s Ben. I’m the cabin boy around here.”

He looked Jack up and down. “You can’t wear that stuff,” he said. “We’ll get you some proper clothes.”

And Ben walked across to a big chest. He pushed aside a snake that just happened to be sitting on top of it, and pushed it open. “Here, take your pick,” he said.

Inside the chest there was a collection of the dirtiest, oil-est, meanest looking rags you had ever seen. Jack pulled out an old battered pair of trousers, and a stripped vest, and pulled them on. Then he messed up his hair a bit, and spread some grime across his face.

It was just the sort of thing that made his mum really cross.

I’m going to enjoy being a pirate, he thought to himself.

There’s just one thing, he thought. I better tell mum and dad I’m not at the sailing school.

So he walked up onto the deck, until he saw Captain Blackheart.

He was standing at the wheel of the ship, with the parrot at his shoulder.

“Ah, Jack, me lad, you look like a regular ruffian,” said Captain Blackheart.

“Thanks, sir,” he said. “But I just wanted to tell my mum and dad I’m at pirate school, not sailing school.”

And suddenly Captain Blackheart looked very cross.

And the whole ship went silent, so that all Jack could hear was the rustling of the wind through the sails.

All the pirates were edging close to towards him, until Jack was completely surrounded.

“We don’t tell parents that anyone is at pirate school,” he said, in a voice so menacing it sent a shiver down Jack’s spine.

And then he roared with laughter.

And all the pirates laughed with him.

Even Ben was laughing.

“Because you’re a prisoner!” roared Captain Blackheart.

“A prisoner,” said Jack. “Oh….”

“Your not scared are you, Jack,” said Captain Blackheart.

“Me, scared,” said Jack, just a little nervously. “Nahhhhh….”

Colin: The Grumpy King

Download Colin: the Grumpy King Audio…. (how to?)

Sometimes it seems that people the whole wide world over are divided into two sorts: fans of Prince Bertie the Frog, and fans of Colin the Grumpy Carp.

Are you a Colin sort of person?

Or a Bertie sort of Person?

Or does it depend on what sort of day you are having?

For those who have been leaving messages demanding that Colin features in another of his own stories, thank you for your patience…. here it is. The true story of how Colin became king for a day – and didn’t rule as people expected… not at first anyhow.

Lovers of fishy stories will also enjoy How Colin Became Grumpy and The Golden Fish.

Read by Natasha. Duration 20 minutes.

It all began a week or so ago, when the Wicked Queen who turned Bertie into a frog was taking a walk by the pond in the palace gardens. She stopped by to have a long chat with Colin – they get on rather well you know. Colin asked how her Royal Wickedness was doing, and she started on every such a long grumble. She moaned about the little children who are always leaving their toys lying around the thrown room, and Barker the stupid Palace Dog who runs up and slobbers over her hand, even though she doesn’t like animals, and above all she complained about the King.

“He just isn’t Royal Enough,” she said. “He’s so disgustingly nice. He’s always showing Mercy, when what’s needed is a good bit of old fashioned punishment.”

“Oh yes your Gracious Wicked Majesty,” agreed Colin, “You are so right. There’s not enough flogging these days.”

“Quite. Quite. That’s just how I feel,” said the Queen. “Only the other day the cook brought me a plate of Spaghetti Bolognaise, and when I tried to eat it, the spaghetti was all in knots and the tomato sauce squirted over my new dress. I screamed “Off with her Head Right this Minute! ” and the King said, “No, no my dear. Show a little mercy. Mercy! how I hate that word!’

‘Exactly. What use is Mercy to anybody. If I were king I would make sure things were done properly.” (Colin)

“You seem like a jolly sensible fish. I’m sure you would make a fine king.” (Queen)

“In fact often wish that fine fish like me could be king. Then everything would be right in the world.” (Colin)

“Well in that case. Your wish can come true”. (Queen)

And with that That Wicked Queen took out her magic wand and started to mutter a magic spell.

“Abra Dabra Fishy Stew – Colin shall be king and the king shall be YOU !”

The sky went dark and a chill wind blew over the pond. Big waves buffeted the frogs and tadpoles and sent the ducks and swans squarking onto the banks looking for shelter.

And as for Colin – he found himself sitting on a Thrown studded with diamonds. “Can this be true? he said to himself. “I’m all horribly dry and I’m breathing air and… I’m, I’m human. Oh my head feels jolly heavy. That must be my incredibly clever brain. Fish are known for big brains, you know, even when they are turned into humans all of a sudden. ”

But it wasn’t Colin’s brain that weighed so heavily on his head. It was a golden crown. For the wicked Queen had turned Colin into the King, – and the real King was swimming around at the bottom of the pond. It took Colin a little while to realise what had happened, and just as he was still feeling a little confused, a servant in red livery announced that The Lovely Princess Beatrice was about to enter the chamber leading a group of the smallest and sweetest little girls who lived in the Palace.

“I know who just who Beatrice is,’ said King Colin, “It’s that frilly fluffy-brained princess that Bertie’s always going on about. I better she’s not lovely at all. I bet she’s really snotty and horrible.”

But when the Lovely Princess Beatrice kissed his hand, wished him good morning, and said how handsome he was looking that day, King Colin thought to himself, “Actually, she’s not so bad after all” and found that his face was smiling back at her. Smiling was rather strange to him, because when he was a fish, all he could do was gawp. Smiling felt, well, rather nice.

The little girls who had come with Beatrice were all wearing pink dresses and they all did pretty little curtsies. Just then, Colin realised that the Wicked Queen was sitting on a thrown next to his. She learned over and whispered in his ear, “Don’t you think those little girls are perfectly revolting. Let me turn them all into tadpoles and send them to eat slime in the pond.”

“My Dear,” said Colin. “You can’t do that. Children are the future of our Kingdom.”

“Well all right then. “I suppose you are right, unfortunately,” and The Queen slipped her magic wand back into her handbag and told the children to “be off” to their lessons right away.

When they had gone, Colin said, “I think I shall be called King Colin the Wise. Because you see I’m jolly brainy.” And the Queen pulled a face at him when he wasn’t looking.

Next the Chamberlain came in and asked his majesty what he wanted for lunch that day. “The Cook recommends either sausages and beans or fish fingers and chips,” he said. “Fish Fingers! spluttered King Colin !” and then he remembered that after all these were only foolish human beings who did not know any better. He calmed down and said, “Tell the cook never to make fish fingers again. I’ll have flies for lunch, lightly fried with a little butter and with a touch of green algae on top.”

“Yes your majesty” said the Chamberlain, rather puzzled, and went away to tell the cook.

Later in the morning, the Chancellor who was in charge of all the gold and treasure in the Kingdom came to consult with the King. He said that they had collected more money than expected, and he was wondering what they should spend it on.

“Oh that’s wonderful, ” said the Lovely Princess Beatrice, “Now we can afford to build a new children’s hospital for all the little ones who are poorly.”

When the Wicked Queen heard this, she was furious: “You Stupid Girl!” she Screeched. “What on Earth makes you think we would want to waste good treasure on a some snotty nosed kids who were silly enough to get sick? Let’s spend the money on a new palace. This one’s getting shabby.”

“No, my dear,” said King Colin. “The Lovely Princess Beatrice makes a good point. This palace is splendid enough. We shall build a hospital for the children, and while we are about it, let’s make sure there is an underwater wing of the hospital especially for sick fish.”

And as the both the Chancellor and the Lovely Princess Beatrice said that King Colin was extremely wise, the decision to build the hospital was made.

And so the day went on, until King Colin went out in his golden carriage drawn by six white horses and was cheered by all the people who saw him drive past. Colin waved back at the people and practiced smiling. He thought how pleasant it was to be so popular, and to be loved by one and all for his generosity and wisdom. It was far better to be known throughout the ages as King Colin the Wise than King Colin the Grumpy. He drove to the Prime Minister’s house and told him that he wanted to make a new law right away.

“The new law, said Colin, “is that fishing is banned with immediate effect.”

“How very wise you are, your majesty”, said the Prime Minister. “Fishing is such a cruel sport.”

Just then Colin her some more cheers – even louder this time. “Ah my people are hailing King Colin the Wise,” he said.

“Actually,” said the Prime Minister, “They are cheering the Palace football team. It sounds like they’ve scored a goal in the cup final.”

“Bah!’ said Colin. “Football’s banned. The people are only allowed to cheer me.” And with that, he strutted out of the Prime Minister’s house and drove home to the palace in a huff.

The cook served flies for lunch. King Colin thought they were a little over-done and not as juicy as they used to be in the pond, but he did not say anything because he was enjoying watching the Foreign Minister putting the flies on the end of his fork and looking rather queezy. The Queen secretly made a magic spell and turned her own flies into chocolate truffles while Colin wasn’t noticing. She mentioned quietly that she had heard a rumour that some of the people were a tiny bit unhappy about Football being banned.

“I’ve an idea,” said Colin to the Foreign Minister “Let’s have a short glorious war. That will cheer the people up.”

“Who against?” asked the Foreign Minister.

“Oh Just anyone,” said King Colin. “Just as long as they are smaller than us.”

“That is very wise,” said the Foreign Minister.

As they were finishing lunch, an angry great roar could be heard all around the palace. There was the sound of battering on the front door and a shot or two was fired in the air.

“Oh Dear, ” said the Foreign Minister “It sounds like the people are pretty angry. ”

“Angry?’ said Colin, “How dare they be angry? I’m the most popular king in all history. I shall go up on the balcony and address my people. They will calm down when hear the words of King Colin the Wise”.

Up on the Balcony, Colin saw a vast ocean of angry faces surrounding the palace. Many of them were wearing blue paint on their faces and waving flags – they were football supporters you see. They began a to chant:

Nick Nack Paddy Wack
Give a fish a thrown
Splish Splash Wacky Thwack
Send him splashing home.

“Friends, Humans, Countrymen… Fish.” Called out Colin. And before he could finish his speech he was pelted with rotten eggs and tomatoes.

But King Colin the Wise was was brave and steadfast. He continued with his speech. ” Football is a noble Game. Football is a beautiful game, played on the field of honour!”

At this the people were a little quieter, because they liked football, and some of the teachers in the crowd told everyone to hush and listen to what the King had to say.

“I am building a bigger and brighter future for the Kingdom. There will be sweeties for the little children and moist lettuce leaves for the fluffy bunny rabbits. ”

Now most of the people were listening, but a little boy at the back of the crowd called out something very rude about Colin. Can you guess what he shouted? You can’t ? Well I’ll tell you. He called King Colin the wise, “Cod Face”

“Cod Face?” exclaimed King Colin. “I’ll have you know that I was once a champion carp!”

When they heard this, everyone laughed, because all though Colin was a human King, his face did look rather, well, fishy. His skin was somewhat scaly, his eyes where big and bulging, and his throat was droopy. In fact, when the Lovely Princess Beatrice and told him that he was looking handsome, she had been telling just a little white lie, because as always, she’s ever so kind.

Colin grew very angry when the people laughed at him and he started to splutter: “Well the least you could do is stop kicking a stupid football around and go back to work to earn some taxes for the treasury.”

The Wicked Queen who was listening to all this and she could not hold back any longer. She picked up a microphone inside her chamber and shouted into it so that every body could hear here her voice echoing around the Palace Grounds and even in the town squares.

“Too right everyone should work harder you lazy ungrateful lot. I want a new Palace!!!!”

Now there was uproar. The crowd was turning very, very very angry.

“Okay, okay, you can have your Lovely Game of Football” Shouted Colin. but nobody could hear him. Some of the most angry people were climbing up the drain pipes of the palace and onto the balcony. King Colin became frightened and rushed back inside. He saw the Wicked Queen and called out to her,

“My Dear Queen . Save us! The People are Revolting!”

“They are perfectly revolting!” agreed the Queen. But then she added, “The old king might have been a nincompoop, but at least he knew how to score goals for the palace Football team” And with that she pointed her magic wand at King Colin and shouted:

Fish! Flash!

And Colin found himself wet once again, and breathing under water. He heard a squeaky voice saying,

“Colin, What’s your favourite colour?”

He turned around and saw a silly little tadpole called Tim. Normally he would have been highly irritated by such a pointless question, but today he found it rather comforting to see Little Tim.

“I dun-know” said Colin. “In fact, I don’t know anything very much. I’m just just and ignorant old fish you see. All I does is go for a swim all day.” and with that he managed to turn his gawp into almost a smile.

And that’s the Storynory of The Grumpy King. Bertie says that the moral of that story is that if you put a fish in charge, that’s what you can expect: nothing but trouble. Frogs are much more royal, says Bertie. And perhaps he is right.

Bertie the Frog Speaks ! As does Tim The Tadpole, Colin The Grumpy Carp, and Sadie the Swan. In this short animation Tim, who is rather a curious little tadpole, has a very important question. And maybe, just maybe, there’s a birthday coming up soon on the pond.

The video file (m4v)will play on a Video iPod.Download the video file of How Old Are You? (bigger picture, best quality). All the voices by Natasha. Duration 2.30.